What's in a name?

You have a name.  You must have a name - the government forces you to have one.

You may have been named by your parents at birth.  You may have been adopted as a baby and renamed.  You may have decided at some point in life that you wanted to change your name.  No matter what, you have a name.

There is the "why did my parents pick this name" aspect and then there is the "what does my name mean" aspect.  As a kid I remember being interested in the meaning of my name.  We had some book that listed names and their meanings.  And there it was... Brian = "strong one".  Yes!  Score!  My name conveys power and superiority.  I am truly fortunate to have this name.

Fast forward to my (much) older and (somewhat) wiser self.  It was during one of my dedicated introspection sessions that I had a revelation.  In this case the "dedicated introspection session" was when I was washing my car.  I started thinking about names and their meanings.  The much delayed light bulb that went off in my head was that almost without exception all the names were associated with something positive.

What does your name mean?  King, Queen, Princess, Holy One, Majestic, Strong, Angelic, Conquereor... even Strong One, just to name a few.  Anyone detect a pattern here?  Of course, it's so obvious - the "meaning" of each name is at best associated with someone in history (factual or fictitious) with whom you can make a positive association.

You're not getting the whole story - not by any means.  What if you were told that statistically your name which means "strong one" was associated with 0.001% of the people who ever carried that name?  Make you feel better?  Of course not.

And that's the point.  These name meaning reference guides will refer to the best name association available for that name.  They won't mention that there was only ever one person in the history of the world who lived up to the "meaning" of that name.  For every high performing namesake, there are scores, hundreds, thousands, and more of people with the same name who dream of mediocrity but don't even reach that stage.

So now that it's out in the open let's be real here.  You try to pull a good meaning from your name but often there was no thought beyond it being the name of a relative to whom a loan payment is owed or a name that "just sounds good and doesn't rhyme with any curse words".

No one enters the name game thinking they want a name that means "weak underperformer", "slovenly poop scraper", or "oafish crossdresser".  But reality is that there are probably many, many more of those types of people with that name than there are kings, queens, princesses, strong ones, etc.

So celebrate your name.  Don't feel entitled in any way because of what one of those name reference lists says your name means.  It's really just propaganda.  Live your life and make a name for yourself.  Inspire others to name their kids after you, at which point they can cite the positive meaning of the name.

Then again, if the kid has an innate research drive, they'll quickly find that while the name was inspired by a noble and esteemed colleague or friend, the reality is that the name was chosen somewhat arbitrarily.

No parent is going to say "I've named you after an oafish crossdresser".  Parents are funny that way.

Thoughts on the New Orleans Saints

Week 3 of the 2012 NFL season is complete and the New Orleans Saints have yet to win a game.  The games were all pretty close, but as you know close is meaningless.

Because of the bounty scandal, their head coach Sean Payton was suspended for the entire season.  Other coaches and even their GM were suspended for part of the season.  Some players were suspended, though those suspensions have been put on hold, at least temporarily.  The team lost their second round draft picks in 2012 and 2013.

The team and fans felt that the punishment far exceeded the crime.  They adopted an "us against the world" mentality.  Unfortunately, the world seems to be winning, at least for now.

Given the perfect clarity that three games can deliver, I have the following observations:

1. Sean Payton is a genius.  Obviously he is the reason why the Saints have performed so well over the past several years.  Seriously, what team loses their head coach and immediately falls from the top echelon of the league to the basement?  You'd expect a team to fall if their star quarterback could not play.  Look at Peyton Manning and the Colts.  Without him they had nothing.
   
   
2. Sean Payton is an idiot.  He was suspended because he lied and tried to cover up evidence that a bounty program existed.  He didn't get punished for the "crime" itself.  Ask Martha Stewart and numerous others - getting caught lying gets you in more trouble than if you had been truthful up front.
   
   
3. Sean Payton is a genius.  People believed he was an exceptional coach, but without being suspended no one would understand how the entire team's success depended on him.  Because of his forced absence, that point becomes abundantly clear.  Upon return, his salary should be doubled or tripled.  Without him, the team is directionless.

4. The Saints defense is like a Play-Doh extruder.  You know the things where you put in the Play-Doh, press down, and it comes out the other end in shapes and patterns?  That's the Saints defense.  They're not stopping anything.  Put in the doh, press lightly, and out the other end comes big plays, touchdowns, and field goals.  It's just that easy.
   
   
5. Gregg Willams used old Play-Doh.  Think what you want about former Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams and his style of coaching and personal ethics, but one thing is sure:  He knew how to harden up the Play-Doh.  The defense was still an extruder, but it was much harder to get that doh out the other end.  Steve Spagnuolo, the new Saints defensive coordinator, brought all new Play-Doh.  Teams squeeze it out the other end with very little effort.
   
   
6. Drew Brees was fortunate.  Brees received a new 5-year $100M contract before the season.  He is a great quarterback, but as we find out now he's not the reason why the Saints were so successful - it was all Sean Payton.  If Brees' contract were up after this season then I'm sure he'd get a whole lot less.  After all, Chase Daniels could have delivered an 0-3 start for next to nothing.  Brees should kick a little cash over to Payton, heck, a lot of cash.
   
   
7. The Saints found a way to stick it to Goodell.  As part of their bounty sanctions, the Saints will lose their second round pick in 2013.  The Saints' record will be so poor this year that they'll get the first draft pick in 2013.  Since Goodell didn't take away their first round pick in 2013, this is the best way the Saints could say "in your face".

It's all so obvious, isn't it?

Video Puzzle #1

This video depicts a memorable movie quote.  What is the quote and in what movie did it become famous?

If you can't figure it out or want to see the scene then click here.

Like Strategy

What is your “like” strategy on Facebook?  Do you have one?  Do you think about it?

While you think, I’ll tell you some of mine.  In general, I probably give out twice as many likes as I get.  Not sure really – I never counted.  I feel the world can use more likes.  That said, I don’t just like things for the sake of propagating likes… read on.

Some likes are almost automatic…

• Get engaged = like
• Get married = like
• Have a baby = like
• Get a new job or promotion = like
• Get divorced = like if I like you and I have some clue that this is a good thing for you

But so many more are conditional…

• Kid accomplishments = occasional like, just depends on what they do and how often they do it
• Little kid accomplishments = higher chance for like, because they’re cute
• Having a beer by a pool = like, unless you posted the same thing yesterday or you do it every week, though I do make exceptions
• Just having a beer (no pool involved) is not a like, unless your name is Matt, Frank, or Dwayne (no reason except that I get to make my own rules) in which case you might get one
• Vacation is usually a like, unless you take too many in which case I’ll withhold some other likes I would normally give for other things
• “It’s Friday!!!” and related calendar-centric proclamations do not warrant a like
• Pasting a joke is not usually a like, but there are exceptions
• Pictures will get a like if there is something about it that is interesting such as the setting, subject, or an emotion.  It’s not just the “pretty pictures” that get a like.
• A post about a favorite or least favorite team may get a like on game days
• New house, new car, new boat = might be a like, though personal possessions pale in comparison to human events.  An exception is if that new possession really represents an accomplishment such as being successful in a new career.
• Have a colonoscopy = uh, not like

Some other guidelines...

• I generally don’t like quotes that are posted.  I have no problem with people posting them and often think the quotes are entertaining, but they just don’t get a like.
• The same applies for most news articles and other links.  Occasionally if the content is especially entertaining or meaningful to me I’ll toss out a like, but not usually.
• Those pictures with sayings that people post do not get a like, period.  They may be funny, but you didn't come up with it.  I want to like what you do, not what you find.
• Posting something original will often get a like, even if it’s not particularly interesting or humorous – you tried, I like that.  Okay, not always, but I much prefer original thoughts over recycled ones.
• A good riff on someone else’s post gets a like.
• Like my posts and you’re probably more likely to get some likes back, but that’s not a guarantee.  You still have to register in one of the areas above.
• Sometimes I give likes for completely random reasons so trying to discern reason is often futile (why did he like that?).  I reserve the right to toss out random likes at my discretion.

If you like everything that everyone does then it’s hard to determine what you really like.  Also, liking someone’s comment is one thing.  Liking that someone comments is another.

Likes can be relative.  For some people I like a lot of what they post but can’t click like every time because that waters down the meaning.  If I click like for most of your posts, how can I tell you when I really, really like something?  Sure, that could warrant a comment, but that takes it to a whole new level that is outside the scope of this discussion.  Yes, you're penalized for being interesting, funny, thoughtful, and insightful - but if you're one of those and haven't figured out that I appreciate what you post then either I'm doing a bad job at communicating it or you're not paying attention.

It doesn’t really matter if I’m happy or sad, relaxed or stressed.  Giving me a smile or a different point of view on a crappy day means quite a bit.

So there’s my strategy, such as it is.  It’s not really a strategy but more of a reflection on what things I tend to like over others.

I don’t expect you to like this post.  In fact, I’m not even posting it on Facebook.  The most I’ll have there is a link to it, and even by my own definition I don’t like links.

If you have your own like or not like strategy or just random thoughts I’d love to hear it.  And maybe I’ll like them.

I Hear Voices

Early this morning I found out that my smoke detector talks. Yep, you heard what I said, it talks.

At about 4:45am as I was waking up I swore I heard a loud beep followed by what sounded like a police radio. I wasn't sure if it was a dream, so I went downstairs to get ready for my 5am conference call. Then I heard it again. No dream this time... but I was completely stumped. What the f--- is making that noise and talking? I eliminated the possibility that there was a police officer hiding in my closets and frankly was befuddled.

I decided to check the smoke detectors to see if any of them had a red or blinking light or something, but they were all green and smiling. I had no idea how the voice worked into this scenario, but one thing at a time.

As I stood in the upstairs hallway scratching my head (well, scratching... let's just go with head) the smoke detector above me proceeds to make the loud beep and then say in its best walkie talkie voice "Low battery". Great, mystery solved.

But really, when did they start making talking smoke detectors? The answer is 2009 apparently. File that in the category of "news to me". The house is about two years old in case you're wondering how I didn't know already. That would've been a really good thing for the builder to cover during the walk-through.

If any of the electronic fates are listening, next time something completely unexpected starts talking to me, like the toaster oven, can you please make it happen in the afternoon?

Brand Promotion and Beliefs

Remarks by Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy against gay marriage have created a huge amount of news coverage and public support/outrage.  Those who agree his stance have been flocking to the fast food restaurant in droves to show their support.  On August 1, 2012, an independently organized effort to get people who oppose gay marriage to visit Chick-fil-A generated huge crowds and record sales. On August 3, 2012, this was countered by same sex "kiss-ins" at some locations.  The only chicken consumed at those events was chicken-flavored lip gloss.

Does Dan Cathy's opposition to gay marriage indict Chick-fil-A as a whole?  Well, yes and no.  People often associate the beliefs of a leader with that of an entire company.  Does everyone who works at Chick-fil-A feel that way?  Of course not.  Do they discriminate against people based on sexual orientation?  Nope.  Are there thousands of businesses you patronize on a regular basis or whose products you buy that have leaders with beliefs counter to yours or that donate money to organizations you abhor?  Yep, but you are mostly unaware.

The point is that in this case a public remark ignited a firestorm, however the "problem" is hardly unique.  To the extent that it brings about civil debate on a subject then it was well worth the coverage.

But here's a separate matter to consider.  One that doesn't get discussed much.  If you're a spokesperson for a company there are very strict guidelines you must abide by to keep your reputation in good standing because your image is associated with the product/company you're promoting.  Get arrested in a drunken bar brawl, assault a police officer, commit battery against a domestic partner, or get exposed for a long string of extra-marital affairs and you'll likely find yourself out of an endorsement contract.

You have contractual obligations to the company, but what obligations do they have to you?  If the company you endorse is now associated with a stance that you do not believe in, is there recourse?  Are you entitled to state your own opinion on the matter?

Specifically for Chick-fil-A, what do the cows think?  Here is what I think they'd say:

Cows are generally known to be progressive thinkers.  They haven't developed the verbal skills of the Geico gecko yet, but they apparently have learned to fashion crude signs.

And I don't think they're worried about getting fired... flame broiled yes, but fired no.

Picture Puzzle #1

Name that tune...

My Dog Knows Customer Service

My dog Bobby can teach you a lesson about how to keep your customers happy.  Really, he can.

First let me set the scene.  At our house we have an invisible fence that keeps him in the yard, so as a result he's able to roam freely in the front and back yards.  He loves to hang out on the front porch and when it's not too hot he loves to lay out on the driveway.

As is common almost anywhere, there are delivery vehicles that pass by on a regular basis.  If a delivery was being made to our house I would usually call Bobby inside to avert the confrontation between dog and delivery person.  Drivers come equipped with dog treats to help them make the peace, but that doesn't always work.

One thing I noticed over time is that the UPS driver would slow down and throw a treat to Bobby on the driveway even if he wasn't going to make a delivery to our house.  The purpose became clear – he was building goodwill.  Brown truck + person in brown uniform = treat = happy feeling.

Now let's compare this to the FedEx drivers who don't provide treats unless they have a delivery and even then not every time.  I received a call recently from a FedEx guy stating that he was trying to make a delivery but that the dog would not let him on the driveway.  Apparently Bobby really didn't like this guy.  And why should he?  This person was a complete stranger and there was no positive association with a white delivery truck, only brown ones.

The UPS drivers in my area made an effort to continue building a relationship even when there was no immediate business associated with it.  The FedEx drivers did not.  The result is that Bobby had a better impression of UPS than he did of FedEx.

Think of how this applies to your customers.  Do you do the little things to keep your customers engaged and provide them with perks (“treats”) even when you're not selling them something?   If you don’t then you should.  That way when you try to sell them something the next time, you can be greeted with a wag and “let onto the driveway” or at least have a better chance at success as opposed to being barked at and kept shut out or at best having a difficult time achieving your objective.

Bobby is available for customer success consulting.

Mondelez is the new Mississippi

Kraft spun off its snack food business into a separate company, which means they had to come up with a name for that new company.  They decided to eschew the route of hiring a marketing agency to help find a new name and decided to solicit suggestions from their own employees.

After sifting through thousands of suggested names they settled upon the name Mondelez.  Yep, Mondelez.  Really, that’s what they decided was the best.  Makes me wonder if they sorted the list with worst on top instead of best.

It is pronounced mohn-duh-LEEZ.  Officially, the emphasis is on the last syllable.  I think the emphasis should be on the middle syllable instead – DUH.

The name is a combination of two words that mean “world” and “delicious” in several languages.  At least that was their interpretation.  After some crack investigation, I found that a small Pacific island where that name means “gullible sheep”.  (I haven’t figured out how you determine the difference between a gullible and non-gullible sheep, but that’s a different topic.)

When you name a company you have to conduct a trademark search to find out if that name is used anywhere else by another company or even sounds or is spelled similarly to another company or product.  On this one I think the search took about 10 minutes.  I hope the trademark search company was paid a fixed fee instead of by the hour.

One big problem is that all the good company names are already taken, so a company that needs a new name is forced to wander off into the land of made up mash up words.  The goal is usually to find some really cool name that conveys the history and mission of the company in three syllables or less.  That’s a tall task, for sure, but you have to know when to keep searching.

The company I work for went through a name change last year.  In the search for the perfect name we came up with many, many really, really bad names.  A few of these really, really bad names came frighteningly close to being “the name” but fortunately they were eventually ruled out.  Even the winning name wasn’t an instant success, but the heart did warm to it over time.

Growing up in Louisiana we were often low in categories that you’d rather not be low in, such as education.  No matter what, though, there was one saying that we could always take comfort in: “At least we’re not Mississippi”.  I imagine that people in Alabama used that one as well.  The point is that we may be bad, but someone else is worse.

That’s why Mondelez is the new Mississippi, at least in the corporate world.  No matter how bad the name of your company sucks, you can always say “At least we’re not Mondelez”.

Deceptive Product Labeling

Previously, I shared an example of a Happy Product Design.  Take one mundane syrup bottle, add some creativity, and voilà you make something unexpected and interesting.

Now for an example of the "dark side" of product design, specifically in the labeling.  Not dark in a truly evil way, but definitely on the shady side.  Here it is...

The text "40% More" is prominently displayed on the label.  Now read the fine print... "than our 14 oz".  Ah, now you see.  They're not saying "40% Free", they're just saying "40% More".  And, surely enough 20 oz. is 40% more than 14 oz. (after rounding).  It's a mathematical exercise.

And guess how much this product costs?  Why yes, it costs about 40% more than the 14 oz. version.

Many people are tuned to look for labels with "40% More", "25% More", etc.  Often people don't notice that the word "Free" is missing and reach for the product thinking they're getting a bargain, but they're not.  That's what the manufacturer is counting on to boost sales.

Even if you do figure out that you're not getting anything extra for free, the prominent "40% More" text will get you to notice this product above others because we're trained to look for deals and at first glance this one matches the pattern.

This is not unique to French's mustard - not by any means.  I've seen many more examples of this before.  In this case, I like the product and a stunt like this doesn't change my likelihood to buy it.  So no harm done, right?  Well, not in this case, for me, but for other products it could definitely have an impact.

So what's the lesson?  Read labels carefully and understand what you're getting.  Or don't do it and live your life being manipulated by evil product labeling designers who laugh at you.

Musical Twitter

Are you a Twitter aficionado? Twitter literate (twitter-ate)? Well then, read on. If you don't know what Twitter is, how it works, or why a Twitter message is called a tweet instead of a twit then this post isn't for you.

People develop their own Twitter usage strategy. Whether you think about it or not, you do. Stating it in words is one thing, but why not put it to music? Better yet, let's dig up songs from amazingly forward-thinking bands who, dare I say, predicted the emergence of Twitter.

There's the Genesis approach of let's all follow each other...

Genesis - Follow You, Follow Me  I will follow you will you follow me  All the days and nights that we know will be  I will stay with you will you stay with me  Just one single tear in each passing year

How nice. In the twitter-verse this is known as #teamfollowback, among other things. Face it, I need more followers, you need more followers, let's do this.

And then there's the Uncle Kracker approach where you assert that people should follow you and that will make their life better...

Uncle Kracker - Follow Me  Follow me everything is alright  I'll be the one to tuck you in at night  And if you Want to leave I can guarantee  You won't find nobody else like me

Why, you're a fool if you don't follow someone like me. I'm here to help you. I'm doing you a favor by putting myself out on Twitter for people like you to follow.

Finally (for today), there's the U2 approach which I consider to be a sheep strategy...

U2 - I Will Follow  Walkaway, walkaway  I walkaway, walkaway...I will follow  If you walkaway, walkaway,  I walkaway, walkaway...I will follow  I will follow

Sheep, lemming, you decide. No matter what you do I'm going to follow you. You don't know who I am... no problem. I'm there following what you do. You don't need to acknowledge my existence, that's perfectly okay. It could be construed as a stalker approach, but I think not. I'm sticking with sheep.

Everyone has to define their own Twitter strategy. Whether you sing it out loud, hum a tune, or lip sync badly, there is a Twitter melody inside of you somewhere.

Facebook: Witness to the Downturn

A Simple Fact

It’s hardly a bold prediction.  It’s not all that insightful, really.  But it is a certainty:  Facebook will fade away.  I’m not talking this year, or even next (if there is one), but some time well before the end of this decade.  It will happen much more quickly than many people would guess.  It won't go away.  AOL and MySpace still exist, though they're only shells of what they used to be and aspired to become.

The downturn of Facebook has already begun and I have witnessed it firsthand.  The explanation of how I know this is very simple.  If you want to save time, just skip over the meaningless filler material regarding what other people think and head straight to the How I Know section.

What Others Are Saying

For those of you who want to prolong the reveal, here are some samples of what some other people are writing.

Alex Cowles compares Facebook’s evolution to MySpace.  He liked the simple, clean style of Facebook in the early days, but that has fallen by the wayside.

“It's countless re-posts of that same picture of a goldfish farting, and thousands of "lol" related acronyms and suchlike. It's the knowledge that every time your "friends" even think about thinking about you, you’ll get a notification, a tag, a nudge, a gift, a message, an invite, a calendar event, a slap, a poke, a shove, a fight, a cavity search, an anal intrusion ad infinitum. It's the masses and their insatiable appetite for the lowest common denominator.”

Facebook is the new MySpace - The Demise of Facebook Has Begun

Douglas Rushkoff chronicles the rise and fall of several companies that skyrocketed to perceived success only to fall as quickly.  Among the debris, AOL and MySpace.

“The object of the game, for any one of these ultimately temporary social networks, is to create the illusion that it is different, permanent, invincible and too big to fail. And to be sure, Facebook has gone about as far as any of them has at creating that illusion.”

“So it's not that MySpace lost and Facebook won. It's that MySpace won first, and Facebook won next. They'll go down in the same order.”

Facebook hype will fade

Jason Huffman thinks that the noise level from people posting humorous pictures, news, and other random material waters down the reason why he started using Facebook in the first place and ultimately steers him to other communication tools such as Twitter.

“I guess what frustrates me most is that Facebook, an absolutely incredible social medium, is no longer about relationships.”

“As Facebook has turned the corner from being less about relationships and more about information, I believe the clock is ticking.  And this is no fault of Mark Zuckerberg or Facebook’s management group.  I think this is what we want as a culture.  People are wired to share things and post things that gratify the ego, which increases the capacity for humorous postings and unoriginal song lyrics that attain a bunch of "likes".”

The Demise of Facebook

Cadie Thompson reports on an interview with Eric Jackson in which Jackson gives his opinion on why Facebook will fade away.  Not disappear completely, mind you, but move off to a nice, rest home in much the same way that Yahoo has shuffled off.

"When you look over these three generations, no matter how successful you are in one generation, you don't seem to be able to translate that into success in the second generation, no matter how much money you have in the bank, no matter how many smart PhDs you have working for you."

Facebook Will Disappear in 5 to 8 Years: Analyst

There are, of course, literally hundreds if not thousands of articles and blog posts that carry similar themes.  These were a few examples that illustrate some interesting points.


How I Know

Now that you’ve made it past the filler material of what other people think, I’ll tell you how I know for sure that Facebook will indeed fade away.  I'll tell you how I know the downturn has already begun.  It may not appear as a downturn in total number of users, or numbers of posts, or advertising dollars - at least not yet.  No, it's actually much worse than that.

You see, I have a teenage daughter.  She was glued to Facebook for the better part of the last two years.  And now… well… she’s “over it”.  Her Facebook use dropped dramatically.  She even quit cold turkey for seven weeks this spring.  I thought she’d make it a day or maybe a week, but she easily cruised through the entire self-imposed ban.  She still gets on it sometimes, but instead she’s moved on to other things.  

Instagram, now that’s cool (which is why Facebook was threatened enough to buy them for $1B).  Twitter trumps Facebook… at least until the next thing comes along.

Many of her friends feel the same way about Facebook.  Here are a couple sample tweets to illustrate:

They are the future.  They will shape what the next big thing will be.  Sure, they will change their mind.  And change it again, and again, and again....

And Facebook?  Well, apparently that’s so 2011.  

Happy Product Design

This is an example of really good product design. Their requirement was simple: create a cap that helps prevent drips. They did that and had fun with it. The first time I saw it I smiled right back at it.

That's the right attitude in product design - even the little details matter and provide an opportunity to make a positive or negative impression. They could achieve the same result in other ways.

I imagine that they came up with a slot and a single hole as the functional winner.  Then maybe someone made a comment that it looked like a space alien.  Then someone else thought that it should look human instead.  Then they realized it could be a smiley face and perhaps changed the slot shape to achieve that look.

Who would think that a syrup bottle could give you a good feeling? They did.

Good job.  Well done.  Bravo.

Annoying Door-to-Door Salesmen

I have an intense dislike for door-to-door salesmen. I don't get that many, mind you, but when they do come I find it extremely irritating. I used to let them finish their 30 second pitch then say I wasn't interested, but since I knew I was already not interested from the start I decided to try saving both their time and mine. I would open the door and say "not interested". That approach didn't work.

Salesmen are programmed to pitch you. Being summarily rejected just means the customer is ignorant. They think "If I can give you my pitch then certainly you will understand the value of what I'm offering" at which point they can direct the conversation to extolling the benefit of their product and differentiation against the competition.

I know. I've worked with salesmen for over two decades now. Not the door-to-door type, mind you, but the art of the sale is very similar no matter what you're selling and where. Engage the prospect, convince them they need what you're selling, close the deal.

Back to my door-to-door situation. The "not interested" approach had issues because the salesmen were expecting it. They're trained extensively on what to say and how to handle such a situation. Just recently I had one who wouldn't stop trying. It turned into a modified version of the Monty Python Argument Clinic sketch.

He would make a statement, I'd say "not interested", he would make another statement, I'd say "don't care", and so on. Somehow he thought that counted as engaging the prospect.

So the path forward became clear. In order to combat the seasoned door-to-door salesman you have to catch him off-guard. Put him in a situation where he doesn't have a ready-made comeback. To this end, I created a small handout that I now give to any salesman who comes to my door. I simply hand it to him and say "Read this", after which I close the door.

The letter changes over time. Here is the current incarnation...

Dear person who just rang my doorbell:

As a rule I don't buy anything from people who come to my door to solicit. I don't care if it's a good deal. I don't care if it's free. I don't care if I really, really need what you're selling. I don't care if my neighbors referred you here. They probably just wanted to get rid of you also. Oh, and the fact that they're idiots.

If you're selling pest control then rest assured I have it covered. Asking who I currently use is pointless. The only pests I have are solicitors who come to my door, and because you're one of them I'm guessing you don't have a solution for that.

If you're selling home security then you can also rest assured I have it covered. And do people really tell you which security service they use when you ask? Seriously? Maybe I should start going door to door making records of who uses what system so I'll know which houses are easier to break into. And by the way, my security is by Smith & Wesson. Not the gun – we bake a Granny Smith pie using Wesson oil. My dog is trained to not attack visitors to whom I've handed an apple pie. You don't have a pie in your hands, do you?

If you're from the cable company or that other dish provider, you can forget it. I'm happy with my service. I like the price. I'm not switching for your promotional offer good for a period of time after which you have no idea what it will cost me.

If you’re here to sell me phone service, just how long were you in that coma?

Don't take this personally. I am rejecting you just because you came to my door - plain and simple. I'm sure if I got to know you better I could find many specific reasons not to like you, so let's just have you go away now so we can keep things cordial.

I wish you good luck doing whatever it is that you do. Just not here. Not now. Not ever.

The other alternative was a bit more drastic, but may be something to consider if this letter thing starts to lose effectiveness:

Maybe I should keep my approach a secret. If enough people started doing it then it now becomes a new lesson in the salesman handbook: How to combat the smart-ass who hands you a printed statement.

So now you understand the title of this entry: Annoying Door-to-Door Salesmen. It started with them annoying me but now is all about me annoying them.

The Pedestrian Contract

I stopped my car to let you walk across in front of me. Maybe I had to, maybe I didn't... doesn't matter. At that point we've entered into a contract. My responsibility has been fulfilled – I stopped.

Now it is your responsibility to cross as quickly as possible given your size, stature, and physical condition. You are not to leisurely stroll across. No talking on a cell phone if that impairs your ability to walk. No hands waving, back slapping, shoulder punching, turning around interactions with friends. And last but not least, do not cross on a diagonal. If you learned nothing in school, the hypotenuse of a triangle is never the shortest side.

My goodwill has a time limit. Perhaps I'll mount a countdown timer to the front of my car, like you see in crosswalks. That way you'll know just how much time you have before these wheels start rolling again.

Your honor, I fulfilled my obligation. The decedent breached the contract.

The 3 M&M's Society

Researchers in Finland have scientifically proven that eating 3 M&M's is the optimal amount. After eating 3 M&M's the brain registers the feeling of having eaten M&M's and produces a measurable sense of satisfaction. Eating more than 3 does not enhance the experience and actually contributes to decreased satisfaction. Eating less than 3 does not trigger the brain's awareness of having eaten them and thus does not establish residual satisfaction.

The study involved taking lab mice and feeding them a quantity of M&M's (micro-sized, of course). After ingesting the M&M's the mice had to navigate through a maze and then answer a brief questionnaire.

• In tests with 1 M&M, mice could not recall what they ate and assumed it was some new suspected carcinogen or hair care product that no one in their right mind would eat in the first place. 
• In tests with 2 M&M's, mice were pretty sure they had not eaten shampoo and had eaten something tasty but could not recall what it was.
• In tests with 3 M&M's, mice knew that they had eaten M&M's and were very content.
• In tests with 4-7 M&M's, there was still recognition that M&M's had been eaten but increasing discontent that more were not provided. Sensory acclimation was present --- eating more M&M's no longer increased satisfaction.
• In tests with 10 or more M&M's, the mice generally couldn't finish the maze or scurried off very quickly and did not complete the questionnaire. They were later observed shaking in their cages.

After the results with mice, the researchers set out to confirm the results on humans. Unfortunately, the human test subjects had extreme difficulty trying to fit into the tiny mazes and could not fill out the tiny questionnaire using the tiny pencils provided, so no conclusive data was gathered.

Researchers decided that the results with mice were convincing enough to publish. Besides, they were almost out of grant money and wanted to throw a really cool party.

So eat 3 M&M's and be happy.