Annoying Door-to-Door Salesmen

I have an intense dislike for door-to-door salesmen. I don't get that many, mind you, but when they do come I find it extremely irritating. I used to let them finish their 30 second pitch then say I wasn't interested, but since I knew I was already not interested from the start I decided to try saving both their time and mine. I would open the door and say "not interested". That approach didn't work.

Salesmen are programmed to pitch you. Being summarily rejected just means the customer is ignorant. They think "If I can give you my pitch then certainly you will understand the value of what I'm offering" at which point they can direct the conversation to extolling the benefit of their product and differentiation against the competition.

I know. I've worked with salesmen for over two decades now. Not the door-to-door type, mind you, but the art of the sale is very similar no matter what you're selling and where. Engage the prospect, convince them they need what you're selling, close the deal.

Back to my door-to-door situation. The "not interested" approach had issues because the salesmen were expecting it. They're trained extensively on what to say and how to handle such a situation. Just recently I had one who wouldn't stop trying. It turned into a modified version of the Monty Python Argument Clinic sketch.

He would make a statement, I'd say "not interested", he would make another statement, I'd say "don't care", and so on. Somehow he thought that counted as engaging the prospect.

So the path forward became clear. In order to combat the seasoned door-to-door salesman you have to catch him off-guard. Put him in a situation where he doesn't have a ready-made comeback. To this end, I created a small handout that I now give to any salesman who comes to my door. I simply hand it to him and say "Read this", after which I close the door.

The letter changes over time. Here is the current incarnation...

Dear person who just rang my doorbell:

As a rule I don't buy anything from people who come to my door to solicit. I don't care if it's a good deal. I don't care if it's free. I don't care if I really, really need what you're selling. I don't care if my neighbors referred you here. They probably just wanted to get rid of you also. Oh, and the fact that they're idiots.

If you're selling pest control then rest assured I have it covered. Asking who I currently use is pointless. The only pests I have are solicitors who come to my door, and because you're one of them I'm guessing you don't have a solution for that.

If you're selling home security then you can also rest assured I have it covered. And do people really tell you which security service they use when you ask? Seriously? Maybe I should start going door to door making records of who uses what system so I'll know which houses are easier to break into. And by the way, my security is by Smith & Wesson. Not the gun – we bake a Granny Smith pie using Wesson oil. My dog is trained to not attack visitors to whom I've handed an apple pie. You don't have a pie in your hands, do you?

If you're from the cable company or that other dish provider, you can forget it. I'm happy with my service. I like the price. I'm not switching for your promotional offer good for a period of time after which you have no idea what it will cost me.

If you’re here to sell me phone service, just how long were you in that coma?

Don't take this personally. I am rejecting you just because you came to my door - plain and simple. I'm sure if I got to know you better I could find many specific reasons not to like you, so let's just have you go away now so we can keep things cordial.

I wish you good luck doing whatever it is that you do. Just not here. Not now. Not ever.

The other alternative was a bit more drastic, but may be something to consider if this letter thing starts to lose effectiveness:

Maybe I should keep my approach a secret. If enough people started doing it then it now becomes a new lesson in the salesman handbook: How to combat the smart-ass who hands you a printed statement.

So now you understand the title of this entry: Annoying Door-to-Door Salesmen. It started with them annoying me but now is all about me annoying them.

The Pedestrian Contract

I stopped my car to let you walk across in front of me. Maybe I had to, maybe I didn't... doesn't matter. At that point we've entered into a contract. My responsibility has been fulfilled – I stopped.

Now it is your responsibility to cross as quickly as possible given your size, stature, and physical condition. You are not to leisurely stroll across. No talking on a cell phone if that impairs your ability to walk. No hands waving, back slapping, shoulder punching, turning around interactions with friends. And last but not least, do not cross on a diagonal. If you learned nothing in school, the hypotenuse of a triangle is never the shortest side.

My goodwill has a time limit. Perhaps I'll mount a countdown timer to the front of my car, like you see in crosswalks. That way you'll know just how much time you have before these wheels start rolling again.

Your honor, I fulfilled my obligation. The decedent breached the contract.